Buzz-buzz-a-diddle it.

From the Ninemsn news website, Saturday, March 6, 2010. (Click here to read article)

The first tag they used as a link to the main story was bad enough:
"Suspicious sounds: Woman calls police over vibrator." They then compounded the error with the news item's heading:
"German police summoned over vibrator."

Ahh! those fun-loving, liberal-minded Germans. Trust them to come up with a unique design for an everyday communications device. Brings to mind a whole set of images, doesn't it?

But there are some things I'm a bit unsure about: Which end do you talk into? Which end do you put to your ear? Does it have a dial? or a push-button console, and - again- at which end?

Which brings me to another question. What will the ring tone sound like? Kids might be a bit reluctant to answer it, worried they might be interrupting something.

There's also a possibility of those people who choose to own this device being somewhat socially isolated. A whole new set of signs, forbidding their operation in certain public areas, will have to be organised. In church: "For the comfort of other churchgoers, please refrain from using your vibrator." At the movies: "Please turn off your vibrator so others can enjoy the movie." At a hospital: "Use of vibrators in the Intensive Care Unit strictly forbidden!" Also, you wouldn't be able to take it with you if you were going to paricipate in a sex party. Imagine the confusion if it started to ring.

So, what was the thinking behind creating this device?

I have a couple of ideas.

Firstly; it was created for undercover vice agents who may need to infiltrate illegal brothels. Obviously they would require a handy tool that enabled them to maintain contact with headquarters, without it attracting undue attention.

Secondly; it was the brainchild of some poor husband who was sick of the huge phone bills constantly being run up by his wife. By coming up with this design, wife took one look at it and said, "I'm not putting that thing anywhere near my mouth!"

Puts a whole new slant on, "I'll give you a buzz tomorrow." doesn't it?

Ouch!

From the Ninemsn news website, Sunday, February 14, 2010. (Click here to read article)

"Shark bites woman in the Whitsundays."

Now, I'm not eaxctly sure where the Whitsundays may be located on a woman, but it sounds bloody painful!

This will cure what ails you.

Malapropisms are sentences in which a word is substituted for another word that sounds similar, but often ends in a comical result, and embarrassment for the perpetrator. You can read some corkers here.

This shining example comes via e-mail from a friend;

"I thought of The Butcher Shop immediately earlier tonight when "K" made a comment that had me laughing for the rest of the night. He said he felt as though he was getting another cold and he might have some euthanasia tonight."

If ever there was a cure worse than the disease ...

Tautology.

From the Herald Sun, Wednesday, March 4, 2009.

One would think that such action would be superfluous. I guess, though, it is the simplest method of disposing of a bomb, but I suspect that it wouldn't exactly be a long career.

Will the real Rip Van Winkle please wake up.

From the Herald Sun, Wednesday, June 24, 2009.

At last! Proof that rumours of the existence of Rip Van Winkle might have some basis in fact. Why else would such a prestigious hospital as the Austin advertise for people who are able to sleep for at least three months?

Either that, or they're simply advertising for teenagers 18 years or older.